Monday, November 20, 2017

On The Correctly Sized God

A reference sheet for the Correctly Sized God, who sentenced us all to hell for our sins. This will be a living document.

The Ayatollah Goblini believes that this world is a hell, and all within are sinners. His logic is as follows.

Goblins are the perfect size. Yet everything is ruled by beings stronger and larger than us: in an ideal world, these monsters would not exist. Therefore, this world is our punishment, a hell we are sent to for sinning in our last life. By enduring it, we prove ourselves worthy of our next reincarnation, and when we die our soul returns to be reborn in the real world (and if we do good works there, we can proceed to heaven).

So the death of us, the correctly sized folk (which includes goblins, halflings, gnomes, and all such short races) is in fact a merciful release, and a thing to be celebrated. However, to spare the next generation of sinners, we can improve this world! We can conquer our tall imprisoning demons, and rule wisely over hell.

That's where the Ayatollah comes in. He is a bodhisattva, an enlightened being worthy of reincarnation, but willing to endure this life so that he may continue the great work of conquering hell. The end goal is world domination by the correctly sized folk. At the moment he's just getting the word out and telling people the good news.

His thoughts on incorrectly sized folk are various.

Humans, elves and the like are demons, but they are demons in god's employ. God has a lot of demons with a lot of different purposes, so you must deal with them carefully.
Some humans are specifically here to torment us. They must be resisted.
Some humans are here to make the world miserable, but in a general sense. They are servants of god, so don't give them too much shit.
Some humans are just mis-reincarnated, tall in stature but short in soul. They are worthy allies!

Fairies, pixies, and all those other even shorter folk are despicable murderers being super punished. Flee, flee in terror, unless they're actually penitent. Most put on a cheery disguise to trick you into lowering your guard.

Monsters are the cruelest of god's demons, there for the smart to avoid and the brave to slay. They are a deadly test.

Finally, dwarves are shortness traitors. Despite being part of the correctly sized folk they are in league with the demons, and work together to oppress us. When they die they are going to double hell and the demon down there are even bigger. Fuck those guys.

This is why drinking is forbidden: it makes you more like a dwarf.