On The Correctly Sized God

A reference sheet for the Correctly Sized God, who sentenced us all to hell for our sins. This will be a living document.

The Ayatollah Goblini believes that this world is a hell, and all within are sinners. His logic is as follows.

Goblins are the perfect size. Yet everything is ruled by beings stronger and larger than us: in an ideal world, these monsters would not exist. Therefore, this world is our punishment, a hell we are sent to for sinning in our last life. By enduring it, we prove ourselves worthy of our next reincarnation, and when we die our soul returns to be reborn in the real world (and if we do good works there, we can proceed to heaven).

So the death of us, the correctly sized folk (which includes goblins, halflings, gnomes, and all such short races) is in fact a merciful release, and a thing to be celebrated. However, to spare the next generation of sinners, we can improve this world! We can conquer our tall imprisoning demons, and rule wisely over hell.

That's where the Ayatollah comes in. He is a bodhisattva, an enlightened being worthy of reincarnation, but willing to endure this life so that he may continue the great work of conquering hell. The end goal is world domination by the correctly sized folk. At the moment he's just getting the word out and telling people the good news.


His thoughts on incorrectly sized folk are various.

Humans, elves and the like are demons, but they are demons in god's employ. God has a lot of demons with a lot of different purposes, so you must deal with them carefully.
Some humans are specifically here to torment us. They must be resisted.
Some humans are here to make the world miserable, but in a general sense. They are servants of god, so don't give them too much shit.
Some humans are just mis-reincarnated, tall in stature but short in soul. They are worthy allies!

Fairies, pixies, and all those other even shorter folk are despicable murderers being super punished. Flee, flee in terror, unless they're actually penitent. Most put on a cheery disguise to trick you into lowering your guard.

Monsters are the cruelest of god's demons, there for the smart to avoid and the brave to slay. They are a deadly test.

Finally, dwarves are shortness traitors. Despite being part of the correctly sized folk they are in league with the demons, and work together to oppress us. When they die they are going to double hell and the demon down there are even bigger. Fuck those guys.

This is why drinking is forbidden: it makes you more like a dwarf.

On Why I Min-Max

As a GM, I am stridently against min-maxing. I don't even give bonuses for stats anymore. I avoid plus ones as if they had wronged my family. I'll let you shapeshift into a dragon, but you can say goodbye to the concept of a +3 sword. In my games nothing stacks.

As a player, I min-max the crap out of every character I play.

● My Star Wars d6 wookie can shrug off a direct hit from blaster rifle. With 7 dice in martial arts, he can easily rip off the arms of 4 mooks a turn.

● My fighter from Swords of the Inner Sea taught himself ventriloquism, fire breathing and stilt walking, skills our wizards can't pull off, and he also hits like a truck. 

● My Delta Green guy has 70 in Craft: Anarchist's Cookbook. It lets me get away with anything.

● A few days ago I played a Flailsnails game where my level 1 character had 23 HP, dealt 1d4+4 with her bare hands, and could turn into an owl. 

I don't cheat. I just ask the GM nicely, and then grab the system by the throat. 

It began pretty early; one of my first consistent games was 3.5, and my GM was an unabashed munchkin. I spent two months accomplishing nothing much. This was still the most fun playing D&D I'd ever had; friends count for a lot. But my skill rolls were weak and my damage weaker. The plot was too confusing for me to ever have a firm grasp on. I just contented myself to being silly while eating chips.

Then we fought the adamantine golem. We had excellent tactics; I was using stone shape to immobilize the thing. The bard was singing his song of unmaking, doubling damage against constructs. Spells were flying. But the damn thing was healing too fast, and none of our damage stuck. Then I realized we had an NPC paladin with us. I asked her to attack the golem. 

Her full attack dealt over 400 damage, and killed it in one round.

So I asked the GM to borrow her character sheet and copied her build. And then I improved it. This process took 3 days of scouring splat books and learning the intricacies of 3.5. Doing my taxes is literally easier. But my next characters did 3000 damage a turn.  Many of our foes ignored normal damage, but it was a damn good start.

Moral of the story: when your GM is a munchkin, everyone needs to be a munchkin.

That fear of powerlessness hangs with me, I think. To want to do but be unable. Death by my own foolishness is fine and usually hilarious, but death by powerlessness demoralizes me. I leave the game sad and defeated.  

Powerless and afraid. I feel those emotions enough in the real world. I have no need of them in my games. My players don't either: by taking away everyone's high numbers, I level the playing field. The thing stopping you from being a hero won't be your to hit score.

I guess that's why I min max.

Come Learn Kung Fu!

Dr. Strangeplate, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Armor Class

For a really long time I hated AC. Why does wearing more armor make you harder to hit. Does a man dodge better clad in plate? It seemed ridiculous.

You think his nickname is twinkle-toes?

There wasn't a good alternative either. Say you have DR 2 armor. One ruling means people just take two less damage from everything; because armor becomes so important, it feels like everyone is fighting with nerf swords. If that armor blocks 2 or 1 HP blows but you still take all 4 damage from a 4 HP blow, everything becomes swingy and my players bitch. Armor as immunities to damage types never worked because history can't get it's act together. Could leather armor block arrows? Could mail? Every reenactor seemed to have a different answer. It just became a huge headache for me.

Have a surprisingly serene video of archers shooting boiled leather.

Back in college I used to play Belegarth. You run around and hit each other with nerf swords. You get whacked in the arm, you put it behind your back because it got cut off. You get hit again, you bleed out and die. Wearing armor gives you one free hit wherever you're wearing it. And I remembered that when I circled people, trying to find a way to hit them with my great honking two-hander, I would try to avoid hitting them in the armor. Time was short, death was quick, and I wanted my blows to count.

Google's best guess for this image is plant.

So this is how AC works. The more armor you wear, the less places an attacker has to aim. The harder it becomes to decide how to strike. Just as much as armor protects you, in the skirmish environment that D&D usually defaults to, it also debilitates your opponent. There are more ways to miss, more ways to hit and accomplish nothing.

So now I'm okay with AC. I'm even okay with armor a-la-carte, where each piece gives you +1 AC, because really, each one is just another minor headache for your foes. Maybe four metal knicks-knacks ARE as effective as chain. Maybe.

None of this properly represents the importance of shields, but fuck it, that can wait for another day. Sometimes simplicity of rules trumps historical accuracy.

On Leveling Up, and the Perks Thereof

Edit: I didn't really think this would stay up this long. It's a player aid I intend to flesh out soon, but with the new job who knows how soon 'soon' is. Anyhow, I stole almost all of it from Goblin Punch, and the rest I stole from Zack Smith, and maybe like three things I made up. Maybe.

Acrobat

Redirect

When an enemy misses you with a melee attack, you may force them to make another attack against another target within range. This attack is made with a -4 penalty against an adjacent target of your choice.

Dodge

While unarmored, you get +1 Defense per level, up to a maximum of +6.

You Got Jumps

You can jump 2x as far. If there is a stable wall, you can instead wall run 4x as far. Treat your falls as if they were 30' shorter.

The Human Spider

You can effortlessly climb anything that you can convince me has handholds. In good weather, mind.

With Catlike Tread

While wearing no armor your footfalls are completely silent. You succeed all move silently checks.

The Great Escape

Once per day, you can escape from something that is restraining you and that you could plausibly escape from. This includes grapples, lynchings, and awkward social situations, but not sealed coffins.

The Greatest Escape

Once per lifetime, you can literally escape death. Your DM will describe the afterlife to you, as well as the opportunity that allows you to escape (if you wish to). This ability has no effect if your body has been destroyed beyond plausibility.

Thief

Smoke Bombs

This skill allows you to use smoke bombs. You can pay 3 GP to get 3 smokebombs (1 encumbrence). You can do this at any city, and you can buy as many as you want.

Assassinate

Assassins collect information about their targets before closing in for the kill. For every fact that you know about your target, you deal an additional +1 damage during surprise rounds, for a max of +5 damage.

These don't have to be major facts, but they cannot be trivial. "Drinks Earl Grey tea" "Commands the fifth cavalry" "Is named Ostruchus Poncelroy" are all good facts. "Is currently inside his tent", "Is a man", "Has two arms" are not. If you could learn it by looking at a snapshot of the current scene, it's trivial.

Opportunist

Whenever you get a situational bonus on an attack roll (surprise, elevation, etc) you deal an additional +1d6 Damage.

Dramatic Infiltration

At any time, you may declare that you are walking off-screen. Later on in the session, you may reveal yourself to have been a minor NPC in the background of the scene “all along” as long as there actually are minor NPCs in the background of the scene. You can always walk back on stage at any time, even climbing in a window. This ability is limited by plausibility.

Silver Tongue

Once per day as a free action, you have 20 Charisma for 1 round.

Always Prepared

When in town, you may spend any amount of money to buy an Unlabeled Package. When the package is unwrapped, you declare what it contains, as long as the contents comprise the appropriate number of Inventory Slots, doesn't cost more than you originally paid, and are available in the town you bought the Unlabeled Package. You can even put multiple items inside a large Unlabeled Package (including smaller Unlabeled Packages). This is basically retroactive shopping. You can have no more than two Unlabeled Packages at a time.

Fortune's Favored Son

Once per day, you can reroll one of your d20 rolls.

Fortune's Blatantly Cheating Son

Twice per day, you can reroll one of your d20s rolls. Additionally, you can give this to an adjacent ally, as long as you could plausibly have assisted them.

Barbarian

Feat of Strength

Once per day as a free action, you have 20 Strength for 1 round.

Rage

You can choose to enter a rage at any time. While in a rage, you have +1 Attack, +1 Damage, and are immune to pain and fear. While raging, you cannot do anything defensive, curative, tactical, or cooperate with your allies. All you can do is attempt to kill things. Spell casting is not impossible, but all your spells must be damaging spells, which deal +2 damage (if single target) or +1 damage (if multiple targets). You cannot stop fighting until you kill, subdue, or drive off all enemies. Alternatively, you can will yourself to stop raging with a 2-in-6 chance of success, once per round as a free action. If one of your allies has injured you this fight, they count as an enemy.

Mighty Rage

Double all the numeric bonuses from your Rage ability.

Danger Sense

If you are surprised, you have a 50% chance to act on the surprise round anyway.

Firewater

You can consume an alcoholic drink to restore 1d6+1 HP. Consuming alcohol in this way gives you 1 point of Drunkenness. This ability even works if someone pours booze down your unconscious throat.

Trophies

You can collect trophies from fresh corpses. Each trophy counts as an armor piece (+1 AC, 1 encumbrance, no AP). While wearing a trophy, you get +1 against all of that creature's special abilities; this bonus stacks.

Fighter

Cleave

Whenever you reduce a creature to 0 HP with an attack, you can make another attack with the same weapon.

Impress

Whenever you win a fight against challenging foes, people who don't like you make a new reaction roll with a +4 bonus. This even works on people you just defeated in combat, unless you caused them undeserved or disproportionate harm.

Challenge

This ability only works on creatures that can understand you and are capable of being offended. If you challenge a creature outside of combat, they must make a Save vs Charm to resist accepting. In civilized areas, this is basically a duel, and this means that you and the other party must agree upon the time, the place, the weapons, the victory condition, and the stakes. Leaders will usually send out a champion to fight in their stead (if applicable). In combat, you can challenge one creature each turn by yelling at it (free action), who must then Save vs Charm. If they fail, they will decide to attack you (or at least include you in an AoE attack). This ability cannot force an opponent to make major tactical errors.

Bodyguard

If an adjacent ally would take damage from a physical attack, you can choose to take the damage for them. This ability has a 4-in-6 chance of succeeding.

Dragon Slayer

Once per day, you can cause one of your physical attacks to deal +X damage, where X is equal to the level of the highest level monster your party has ever killed. (You must keep track of this.) If you miss, this ability is not expended.

Blindfight

You can fight even in perfect darkness, with about 10 feet of spatial awareness.

Noble

Fashionable

You can wear fashionable clothing instead of armor. Fashionable clothing costs the same as the equivalent armor but takes up no Inventory Slots. Fashionable clothing is Fragile, and gains a Break (-1 AC) each time you take fire damage, acid damage, get really wet, or get really dirty.

Duelist

Each time you defeat an enemy in single combat (such as a duel), keep track of what type of weapon they were wielding. You get +1 AC against that type of weapon. This ability cannot raise your Defense higher than 18.

Banner Lord

If you are holding a banner in one of your hands, all allies that have sworn loyalty to it get +1 to-hit.

Loyal Butler

If you take physical damage, you can choose for an adjacent hireling to take it instead.

Get-Out-of-Jail-Free Card

Once per session, you can use your family's name to get out of trouble, or to request a special favor from authority. Only works on people that might have heard of your family. Usable once per session, and has a 4-in-6 chance of working

Windfall

You inherit 20,000 copper. Perhaps an uncle died. 1d6 relatives will be showing up at your door to live in your mansion and ask for money, and turning them away would be deadly to your reputation. Additionally, there is a 4-in-6 chance that the Assassin's Guild has just accepted a contract to kill you.

Monk

Lucky Numbers Style

You gain two lucky numbers. When you roll this number on a d20 while attacking, your attack may have one additional effect. This is anything within reason that does not simply cause more damage. You can still, say, knock someone into a flame pit: Here's a list of examples:

Disarm

prevent opponent moving* for one round

move opponent 2 tabletop inches in any direction

knock opponent to the ground

take something from opponent

 grab opponent--

Knock opponent into the wall of spikes.

You may take this ability more then once.

Drunken Master

For every point of drunkenness you have, you get +1 to hit. Remember, every point increases your critical fail range.

The World is my Weapon

You may use almost any object (including your hands!) as any of the following:

A weapon that deals 1d6.

A weapon that deals 1d4 damage, but has a special property (such as reach).

A +2 AC shield, which can be shattered as normal, and has a special property.

Ranger

Animal Companion

You can train your animal companions to perform a certain action when a condition is true. The most common one is “attack when I attack”, but other ones are possible. (Normally you'd spend a round giving orders to your pet.)

Speak with Pet

You can speak with your pets. Not literally, but practically. You are really good at interpreting barks, for example, and your pet is really good at interpreting you. Your animal companions can speak with other animals of the same type. For example, all dogs speak Canine.

Advantageous Terrain

When rolling for random encounters outdoors, your chance of surprising the enemy increases to 2-in-6. When a random encounter occurs, you can draw the terrain map of where the encounter will occur, and may decide where everyone is, as long as it's plausible. No more than 1 advantageous terrain at a time.

Hated Foe

You deal +2 Attack when attacking the monster you hate most. You can change your hated foe, but only after a new foe has done something worth making you hate them.

Traps

You can manufacture and set traps. It takes 10 minutes to manufacture a trap in natural terrain. Traps can be set immediately or carried around (they take up 1 Inventory Slot). Enemies that walk into your trap must make a Dex check with a -4 penalty or suffer its effects.

You can choose a reasonable effect, such as: 1d6 damage, an immobilizing snare, or noisemakers. You can add additional effects, but each one beyond the first gives your target a +2 bonus on their Dexterity check. If you have additional resources (poisons, f lammable oils) you can create more types of traps.

Tactician

Threat Assessment

You learn a creature's level after watching it fight for a round.

Tactic

As a standard action, you yell advice to an ally, who then makes a free attack. This free attack must be a basic, unmodified melee or ranged attack.

Spot Opportunity

Whenever your party rolls initiative, a random PC (including yourself) gets an opportunity against a random enemy. The opportunity gives the random PC +2 to-hit, +2 Damage, and +2 to overcome the target's Save (if applicable). This opportunity lasts until the end of the round. You roll all this yourself and roleplay it, because the DM has enough on her mind.

Rouse

Once per day, as a free action, you can yell especially effective encouragement. Allies who can hear you regain 1d4 HP (but unconscious allies cannot hear anything). This is non-magical healing. If you use this ability out of combat, allies instead gain 1d6+1 HP, but you need to make a little speech.

Spot Weakness

As a standard action, you may observe a creature fight and then make an Intelligence check. If you succeed, the next time you deal damage to that creature, you deal +1d12 damage (once). This ability also has a use outside of combat. If you succeed on an Int check, you can learn an NPC's weakness, secret shame, or greatest fear (DM's choice).

Magician

been thinking about giving a witch class the starting ability to talk with anything they share a meal with. So if you eat coal you can talk to fire.

SECOND GIFT: WITCH GARDEN

You acquire a home and garden in the form of a 1 acre demiplane. Its exact nature, climate, and contents are a matter between you and your DM. The garden is never more than half a day's travel away, no matter where you go or where you are. Only you know the way there, though others can follow you (even without your knowledge)

Breakthrough
You learn one random spell. You can choose from which of the six types of magic you learn.

On Magical Barriers: A Practical Field Guide

I like the idea of magical barriers. But then there's actually something scary and I get really unimaginative about what works against what. Silver? You guys should have brought silver. Oh it's an angel dude I have like no idea here. So I decided to buck up and just do the dang work. Here's what's good against what, and an extra by alignment bit below, if you're the sort who likes that stuff.

Actually doing all of this work allowed me to make everything a solid metaphor. Salt preserves food; this is why it can fight off corruption and evil. Silver is solid light. This is why people BELIEVED these things to work against demons in the first place. I really like that kind of logic. 

By Creature

The Undead in general cannot cross salt: it protects against their rot.

Demons cannot tread upon holy ground, nor cross silver. Those immune to sword and axe are not immune to silver, and lesser beings take double damage from it.

Vampires share these weakness. In addition, they cannot cross flowing water unless encased in grave earth. Garlic makes them nauseous: the must overcome a DC 25 CON check to endure its presence.

Spirits of the Forest fear gunpowder and flame. They are no friends of the wood cutter's axe.

Spirits of the Divine Bureaucracy cannot cross a written insult; their pride will not permit it. A factually true insult written on a blade is, both literally and metaphorically, a cutting blow: it deals double damage.

Spirits of Filth (in both the moral and literal sense) cannot abide salt: it is a pure substance which destroys such corruption.  Lesser spirits cannot overcome a line of rose petals.

The Fey delight in being neither one thing nor another. They fear cold iron in the same way demons fear silver. They are also no more capable of breaking a promise then a man can lift himself up by his hair: the Fey will never go back upon their word.

Ghosts who see their remains are either mollified or terrified. In either case, a good deterrent from their interests.

Cthulloids vary in their forms and weaknesses and are too varied to be covered here. If possible, run. If you cannot run, slit your throat.

Angels (the loving, white washed Judeo-Christian kind) weaken on blood soaked ground, losing half their powers and HD. Steel quenched in the innocents' blood burns them: they cannot stand it's touch and take double damage from it. Such nails are used to pin Angels by their wings upon the cross. 

Angels (the horrific, Bayonetta  kind) fear nothing: they are the masters of reality. You cannot escape them, they cannot be fought. All will be subsumed into the godhead.

By Alignment

A variety of substances are anathema to visitors to our world. It is important to familiarize yourself with them if one plans on dealing with unwanted guests.

Silver is solid light. All creatures who prefer the night to cover their foul deeds fear it's bite. The bane of evil.

Cold Iron is mass produced in great foundries and is quite cheap. It's orderliness and structure make it a powerful symbol of civilization and conformity: beings which revel in the chaos of the world find it loathsome. The bane of chaos.

Innocent's Blood is horrific; all men of conscience are disgusted by it's implied crime. When the souls of the damned are forged into howling steel, the effect is magnified ten fold. The bane of good.

Rudeness, cussing, and filth are the marks of idiocy and barbarity. Those who believe in civilization cannot help but turn themselves away. The bane of law.

On the Muddling Of Alighment

I tiny thought I had: when we think of alignments, they can be interpreted as cosmic or personal.

Good means being kind hearted and well intentioned. GOOD is vaguely Christian and occasionally not very nice or down right vicious. It sometimes seems more concerned with being lawful, but with those laws being generally nice and always important in a cosmic sense. Good can find mercy and spare evil but GOOD rarely does.

Lawful is a respect for rules and social institutions. It's about fair dealings and straight talk. Lawful is civilized, perhaps cultured and refined. Sometimes lawful is snooty. LAWFUL is an absolute obedience to the state, holding the law as a virtue unto itself as opposed to the means to an end. LAWFUL is imperialistic. LAWFUL is suffocating. LAWFUL is merciless and uncaring, without emotion or pity. LAWFUL is arbitrary, and thinks it is GOOD and rarely is.

And LAW is that principle on a cosmic scale. It is the slow crystallization of existence into utopia, an unmoving dead perfection. LAW stands surrounded by enemies and seeks to destroy all of them. LAW believes itself to be GOOD and occasionally is, if only because it fights EVIL and CHAOS.

Sometimes being NEUTRAL is the same as being LAWFUL, and sometimes it means apathy on a cosmic scale. NEUTRAL can also be active, a perpetual helper of the underdog and a preserver of balance, and end in and of itself without any rational purpose. Sometimes neutral means being unthinking and sans opinions, no more than a beast. Sometimes neutral is only neutral about you: the spirit world gives no shits about you.

Evil is selfish, and petty, and always more interested in itself then in you. Evil cares about it's own and sometimes not even them. Evil is backstabbing. Except when evil is just an inverted good, just as loving and caring and loyal but also opposed to GOOD. Not so different after all.

Then there's EVIL, which can be the devil and morally corrupting or 40K and RIP AND TEAR. Which is often the same as CHAOS.

CHAOS is entropy, the slow dissolution of the universe, and a cthullian madness of anti life. Or CHAOS is perfect randomness, a dull and non malevolent static. A more fey twist has CHAOS as being whimsical and cruel and spitting into physic's open mouth. Chaos is also appropriately varied. It can be anti-authoritarian, anti-social, or plain anti-sense.

This complexity of ideas is why some OSR folks insist on 'people are rarely LAWFUL or CHAOTIC, those are cosmic concepts' while in 3.5 we had a lot of angsty chaotic good antiheroes. It's why you get TRUE NEUTRAL  druids and chaotic neutral murder hobos who just set shit on fire.

Writing all of this, I realized all of the alignments, when turned cruel and impersonal, are different shades of cosmic horror. I think that's useful, if you're going to have multiple bad guys. A great way to have a real shithole setting is to make both or all three of the competing cosmic powers be total assholes. It makes a world where only our HUMANITY can save us.