Wizard Wednesday: Ur of the Iron Fist

UR IS REALLY MAD

Ur is from Carcosa. Ur got something wrong and now Ur is stuck here. Ur is not particularly troubled by this.

Ur is a yellow man. Ur, like all yellow men, does not sleep, but instead can enter a state of torpor for 1d10 hours, during which he cannot die. Ur can talk to men in their dreams if Ur knows the man's name.

Ur has a metal hand. Ur likes to hit people with it. Ur loves the sound it makes when it smacks against a skull. Ur made his hand better and now it can shoot a laser; it deals 1d20 damage! Ur can't find any batteries here so it only has three shots left.

Ur is a sorcerer. Ur sacrifices men, women, and children to control horrible things from beyond time and sanity. Ur is okay with this. Ur messed it up once and lost something important. Ur can't remember what it was.

Ur has one minion left called Fred. Fred has thirty hit points because Fred is very big. Fred is invisible and silent. Fred eats people and they become invisible and silent too; Ur likes how they just disappear. Fred is acidic on the inside so people who Fred eats take 1d8 points of damage every turn. Ur has a powder that will make Fred not invisible, but Ur forgot where he put it.

Ur talks to Fred a lot, but isn't sure if Fred can understand. Ur is scared of Fred, but Fred cannot hurt Ur. Ur does not always remember this.

Ur would like to summon more monsters and open a portal back to Carcosa, but Ur needs red and green and orange men for that. Ur is rather peeved that there only seems to be jale men around here. Ur laughs at them; they think Ur is stupid but the jale men do not even know what color jale is.

Ur thinks that maybe dyeing people will work well enough. Ur will pay a lot for red and green and orange dye, and for people to dye. Ur likes that the people he will dye are people that will die. Ur thinks this a fantastic joke. Ur wants to shoot his laser at people who don't laugh at it, but that's why Ur's batteries are almost empty.

UR WROTE THIS HIMSELF!

Adventure Hooks

1. The PCs have found a fantastical technological item. Ur can fix it, but he's going to charge in slaves.
2. Ur wanders into town and starts trying to buy slaves and dye. He doesn't understand why all the jale men are screaming. It's very rude.
3. The sky burns with letters made of fire, 200 feet tall. They spell out 'UR WILL PAY A FORTUNE FOR A TWINKIE'. Pretty soon the entire continent will erupt in people trying to find Ur and trying to figure out what a twinkie is.
4. A band of barbarians have started dressing like Ur, complete with his stupid helmet. They go around punching people with metal gauntlets. Ur thinks they are pretty cool. Maybe these guys find and punch the PCs, or maybe they are paid by someone to find out what the heck is going on.
5. People have started growing tiny holes in their bodies, through which the darkness and cold of space seeps through; without help they slowly freeze to death. The disease seems to have started when the yellow stranger came through town, riding on an enormous centipede. Ask Ur and he can tell you it's actually incredibly common on Carcosa, and the cure is drinking onion juice. Ur drinks a glass every day, but not to keep away the disease; he just likes the taste.
6. The PCs find that gold is suddenly worthless; every peasant seems to have pocketfuls of the stuff. The economy is crashing and everywhere men set their brothers in shackles and march them to a terrible metal mountain, where Ur has finally fixed his matter transfigurer.

Fun fact: I have never seen Heavy Metal, but this guy looks pretty cool regardless.

On Orcs

An army is a terrible thing. Wherever it goes, an army needs to eat, and what it eats is everything. The soldiers will ride out to pillage and plunder. They take food, water, fodder, women, money, stealing what they can and killing if they want. The grass is trampled, the trees are chopped down for firewood, the ground is polluted with latrines. When moving the medieval army would leave a wasteland of ten or more miles in it's wake. This process was necessary, but it was also intentional; this was the damaged inflicted upon the enemy. The misery thus caused vastly exceeded the horrors of the battlefield. 

But one day the army will return home. The soldier will find his family waiting for him with open arms, eager to see his wealth and his scars. The man will put down his sword and pick up his scythe. He can stop being a soldier.

But some armies don't come home. Some march for long days under strange skies. Each day their hearts grow more and more callous. Each day the sun dries and blisters their skin, until it turns a dull, leathery grey. Each day they forget a little more about their home, and one day they will forget it all. These wretches, who burn and kill and don't remember why, these men have become Orcs.

Wizard Wednesday: Grandmother Um

From this...

Grandmother Um scares children and insults adults. But there exists a mystery about her that attracts rumor and gossip. Is she needlessly rude because she is horrible, or has the world committed some injustice upon her? Much speculation exists as to what exactly goes on in her hut in the woods. The woods are very dangerous, filled with wolves and fouler things, but she always makes the journey to town safely.

Grandmother Um is much fiercer then the beasts in the forest; she is firecer then any beast in the world. In truth she is a demon, disguised by a set of magical clothing. The more she wears, the more man shaped she appears. As she discards them she reveals her true form, a sea of hair and eyes and limbs.

... to this.

Each of Grandmother Um's clothes grants her a magic power.
Each piece she removes restores part of her demonic form.

Her brass rimmed Glasses

While wearing her glasses, Grandmother Um can see through lies.

Grandmother Um takes off her glasses 'to see you better deary.' Her body bursts into eyes, opening across her flesh like wounds. She can see through darkness, and can no longer be surprised.

Her delicate silk Gloves

While wearing her gloves, Grandmother Um's touch rots wood and rusts metal.
Grandmother Um will take off her gloves 'because my nails itch.' Her hands and feet grow into claws, long and terrible. They cut like swords, and she attacks with both every turn.

Her great fur Coat

While wearing her coat, Grandmother Um doesn't make a sound.
Grandmother Um takes of her coat since 'it's much too heavy.' Free from it's weight, she stands up straight, a full eight feet, and is overgrown by hair. Her hands gain reach like a spear and her hide becomes tough as leather.

Her red checkered Headscarf

While wearing her headscarf, Grandmother Um can change her voice to whatever she pleases.

Grandmother Um will take off her headscarf because 'it hurts my jaw.' Her head becomes a crocodile snout, her throat lined with backwards facing teeth. If she catches your arm she won't let go; you remain grappled, and your friends have a 50% chance of hitting you instead of her. Ripping your hand out leaves it as so many ribbons of flesh, ruined forever.

That mouth? It belongs to a TURTLE. A bloody freaking turtle.

Adventure Hooks

1. The PCs find one of Grandmother Um's pieces of clothing. She wants it back, and soon she will find them.
2. Grandmother Um hides in a cave. She asks the PCs to find and return her clothing; she enjoys her life in the village. If they do, she promises to serve them for a day, whichever day they want.
3. The PCs must defeat a monster that far exceeds them in power. If they could trick it into wearing Grandmother Um's clothing, it would become a simple human. The trick is getting Um to part with her clothing.
4. The PCs find Grandmother Um sitting in the Goblin Market. She offers to sell you her clothes, extolling the virtues of each. A freely agreed upon sale is the only way she can remove them. Afterwards she will be very grateful to the PCs, and won't harm them, or indeed anyone at the market. The next day her trail of destruction and devastation will be clear and easily followed.
5. Grandmother Um's clothing is scattered through the dungeon. She has cast it off, for the wearer is cursed to obey the words of the wizard Zaibon. Help her kill him and she'll teach the PCs how to remove it. But first she'll mock them for being fool enough to put it on. If anyone mentions that she wore them first, the offer is retracted.
6. The PCs befriend a monster. It tells you that Grandmother Um makes magic clothes which can hide it's form and let it walk as a man.

Edit: It seems I am really bad at knowing what a Wednesday is.

Wizard Wednesday: Xamir the Faceless

Xamir is never seen without the white rag that covers his face. He sleeps with it, he talks with it, he eats and drinks with it. When questioned as to how he eats and drinks with it, Xamir seems perplexed as to why anyone would be fascinated by basic bodily functions.

Even in bright light, you can't see his eyes. He doesn't have any. When he takes a drag on a cigarette, the smoke comes out the eye holes of his white rag. If he took the rag off you would see that his head ended with his face.

Xamir styles himself as a bottle wizard. Are you in need of magma? Acid? Oil? He is a hollow man who can transport any of these in abundance. For things living, he wears a cast iron mask, which locks around his head. His prices are exorbitant, but his services are unique.

Xamir is currently filled to the brim with,

1. Flesh Eating Beetles
2. Tawny Port
3. Tar
4. The Elixir of Youth
5. Mercury
6. Holy Water
7. Dragon Piss
8. Molten Iron

If you stab Xamir you will not actually hurt him, but his insides will splash everywhere. He has enough magical bandage on his person to recover from five such wounds, but after that he will leak. If dealt over 30 damage with slashing weapons, Xamir will be reduced to ribbons, unable to move but not dead. He will curse the party as they leave.

If you truly need to kill Xamir, you must find his lair. Inside will be a man shaped glass bottle, contained a person flayed of everything but his face. This is Xamir's real body.

Adventure Hooks

1. The PCs meet a drunk(?) Xamir inside of a bar. He boasts of his wizardly prowess and how valuable his cargo is. He will soon pass out into a stupor.
2. Someone hires the PCs to find and cut Xamir into precisely measured ribbons. These will be fashioned into unbreakable shackles.
3. Xamir is expected to meet in high society. Extremely busy, he hires you to buy or craft a suitable mask.
4. The PCs are hired to find Xamir and invite him to their employers home. Xamir is currently carrying a valuable cargo, and is  being hunted by a party intent on taking it and killing him. If unopposed, they will succeed. Xamir will mistake the PCs for these hunters.
5. The PCs return home grumbling about how much loot they couldn't carry out of the dungeon. Xamir overhears and offer's his services (for a modest fee).
6. The PCs hear about a bag of holding in nearby dungeon. It is actually Xamir. He can't make such a thing, but is willing to teach you his craft (but only when he's between gigs).

Sometime after the PCs first meet Xamir, he will have advanced in his craft. A zipper by his chin allows his whole body to split in half, and instead of being merely hollow, his insides are now a portal that links to some far off place. Currently that's

1. A Distant Swamp
2. A Begemmed Mine
3. His Lair
4. The Bottom of the Sea
5. A pocket dimension, inside a tiny Dead World
6. Hell

Meet him again, and he can now swap between three such places with the use of a magic sliding ring, which he constantly seems to drop.

Wizard Wednesday: Mr. Bati, The Slow Wizard

This entry is totally late, so I have written a wizard who's power is being late.

When Mr. Bati's father was a young man, he wandered into the tower of a mighty sorcerer. Enraged by this trespass, the sorcerer flung upon a mighty curse: that his image forever will precede him. After his father died, Mr. Bati inherited his curse.

Divorced from his image, Mr. Bati is effectively invisible. Wherever he goes, his image arrives about 20 seconds first. It's a bit like a vision of the future: whatever his illusion is doing now is what Mr. Bati will do in two turns.

As one can imagine, this is terribly inconvenient. His image is intangible: people try to hand him things only for the item to fall straight through his hand, for his hand isn't actually there yet. When Mr. Bati's image takes an item, it also takes the thing's image. Which means that a sword, for example, will appear to be in his hand while ACTUALLY still remaining on the counter top. Two turns later, this now invisible sword will be picked up by Mr. Bati. It's all dreadfully confusing.

It is for this reason that Mr. Bati avoids any physical contact; it's too difficult to explain. His is a lonely life.

For the last five years Mr. Bati has been seeking a way to break his hateful curse. He cannot find the sorcerer who cast the spell, but revenge remains foremost on his mine. If he ever found him, he would probably say "Hello. My name is Rajul Bati. You cursed my father. Prepare to die." In the mean time he hunts for other wizards. Some he has polite chats with, others he blackmails, and a few he beats black and blue. He's found one lead: the sorcerer who cast this spell is named Xong the Inscrutable (read: whatever you want), and he resides in the city of Ramhknal (read: the biggest city in your campaign). He is heading there even now.

When not hunting for wizards, Mr. Bati moonlights as an assassin. In combat, put his figure on the matt, but remember where he was two turns ago. That's where he attacks and that is where he can get hit. His illusion is immaterial and cannot be harmed (or harm anyone), but if he is hit will reflect his wounds. Hopefully your players will catch on after stabbing him to no effect and getting hit by invisible swords.

Oh and did I mention he has a magical turban? He totally has a magical turban. It moves like a snake and shares his curse. For the most part, it trips people.

A final note: Mr. Bati isn't actually a wizard. People just assume he is, and the name has stuck.

Adventure hooks:

1. Mr. Bati wants to question the party's wizard. Depending on how the player takes it, the encounter may turn violent.
2. Mr. Bati has been hired to assassinate someone in the party. He will attack by night and pretend to be a ghost.
3. The man who cursed Mr. Bati's father is a good friend of the PCs. They may or may not know that said friend is a (former?) wizard.
4. Mr. Bati purchases something that the party NEEDS to have and refuses to hand it over. Taking it from him will prove difficult.
5. A sorcerer hires the party to find Mr. Bati and eliminate him.
6. The party wants to kill an evil wizard. Mr. Bati selflessly offers to help.

Cooking with Alighnment

This was my entry for Thought Eater. My prompt was "Alignment: Used Poorly And Well."

Wizard Wednesday: Abad-Alwahsh, Gorilla

I mean obviously he's a wizard. It says so right there in the title.

Outcast from both gorilla and man alike, Abad-Alwahsh serves a demonic master. He has traded his soul in exchange for his sorcerous strength. His master has carelessly misplaced this knick-nack, which takes to form of a bottled purple flame. Now Abad-Alwahsh roams tirelessly trying find his soul, so that he may escape his bonds, free to rack ruin upon mankind and all his works.

When among gorillas, Abad-Alwahsh forms petty kingdoms in his service, maintaining order with his gun, a weapon unknown amongst his kin. He assembles war parties to comb the jungle and raid human settlements.

When among men, Abad-Alwahsh acts with more subtlety. He hypnotizes this rich and powerful, using their resources to look for his soul while hiding within their manors. When he has determined his soul is not to be found in this city, he is gripped by fury and bursts from the shadows, smashing these incompetents with spell and fist. After a rampage across the city he departs and tries again.

His soul is a fragile thing. If the bottle was smashed, the flame would go out and Abad-Alwahsh would die. If someone were find it, they would be able to control Abad-Alwahsh by writing instructions and burning them in the flame.

He is an eighth level wizard and a fourth level fighter.

Adventure Hooks:

1. A wealthy friend of the party has started acting oddly. He has been hypnotized by Abad-Alwahsh.
2. Mobs of treasure hunters, petty crooks, and surly sailors are tearing the city apart, asking everyone and searching everywhere for a bottle of purple fire. Several con-men have started to disguise themselves and sell fakes.
3. Abad-Alwahsh has thrown a rampage and then escaped. The king has placed an astronomical price upon his head.
4. While resting in the jungle the party are kidnapped by a war band of gorillas. They bring them before Abad-Alwahsh to be interrogated.
5. A tribal chief begs the party to stop the gorilla raids.
6. The party find the soul of Abad-Alwahsh for sale in a muddy shop. Abad-Alwahsh will not serve willingly.

I think that last one is my favorite. Here, have a dude with more levels then the entire party combined. He hates you. Have fun playing literal genie!

Wizards?

Well look at that. My image folder is filled with wizards.

HAVE A WIZARD YOU ARE WELCOME.

30 Fairy Tale Spells (In A Tiny Spell Book)

Even in White Box Swords and Sorcery, I find magic way too tedious to explain. Players need to choose what spells they know AND what spells they prepare. They need to write all of that down somewhere. Every time they want to do something with magic, I need to hand them my laptop so they can read the really long spell descriptions. And then ask me for rule clarifications. This eats up a lot of table time and I hate it. I love the fluff and feel of Vancian magic, but I want to run a freaking game today!

So here's a completely different spell casting system. To make explanation easier, I wrote all of it down on cards and shoved those into a nifty Zatch Bell spell book. This way if a player wants to play a magician, I just throw the book at them and continue with the rest of the game.

The finished product.

The only illustration turned out way better then I hoped.

Green corners mean illusions, purple are curses, blue are misc.

32 pages, 44 lines. Not bad for brevity.

The Rules Of Magic

• You may cast any spell you know whenever you like.
• Casting is a standard action.
• Unless it says otherwise, assume no material components, no chanting, no gestures, nada.

• You may cast spells upon any visible target.
• A malicious spell can only be cast upon a target once.

• Spells are permanent.
• So if you turn someone into a frog, yes, it lasts forever.

• A spell cannot be recast until it is dispelled.
• You can dispel any of your spells whenever it pleases you.
• When you die, all your spells are dispelled.

The last page has them written down like this. 

• A spell can be cast upon a person once.
• Spells are permanent. To cast it again, you must dispel it.
• Curses must be addressed to the target.

In the spell lists below,  bold text is what I wrote in the book, while anything else will be rules clarifications and random notes. X is equal to your level. The roman numerals are what level a magician should be to cast it, but that's not a hard rule.

Dweomers (Misc)

• I Mend: One object fixes itself. 
• Already, the 'you can't cast it again until you dispel it' clause starts biting you in the ass. You can mend one item, sure, but if you wanna fix something else, you have to let the first one break again! Me, I think that's rather poetic.
• I Contract: A deal you make cannot be broken. 
• By either party, mind.
• II Animate: X inanimate objects obey your command. 
• You can give em instructions too! This right here is an omnispell. It's knock, it's animate rope, it's wizard lock. Especially terrible if you use it on throwing knives: that's a lot of extra attacks each turn.

• II It Fits: Pick a container. The inside is X times larger then usual.
• I have a very loose definition for 'container'. Pockets, hats, chests, closets and houses are all fair game. 
• III Dispel: Target spell breaks, inflicting 1 damage upon it's caster.
• So a magician always knows which spell has been broken, but not by who. Possible to cherry tap people to death with this.
• III Servants: X items transform into loyal, humanoid servants.
• They don't really think for them selves, and aren't worth a damn in combat. Casting it on foxes gets you fox men, casting it on clothes gets you cloth men, casting it on sludge gets you sludge men (as bellow).

• IV Command: X targets obey a 3 word command.
• From their face it's super obvious the target is horrified that they can't control their body. Another multi use spell: it's hold person, it's silence, it's geas all in one. 
• IV Forecast: In 3 words you describe the weather.
• Big stuff takes a few rounds to form, but the small stuff happens instantly.
• V Door: Target door leads to another door you've walked through.
• Hurrah, it's door teleport! 
• V Beast Shape: You turn into a monster w/ 2X HD. Turning back is hard.
• How hard? You need to roll over Y on a 1d20, where Y is the number of hours total you've spent as a monster. Y goes down by 1 every day. So yeah, spend too long as a monster and you aren't turning back. I'd rule that after one week like this, you don't want to turn back anymore.
• Also, you always turn into the same monster. I was gonna call the spell monstrous form, but it didn't fit.

Illusions

• I Light: A floating wisp illuminates as a torch.
• Is this technically an illusion? Since it's really bloody hard to come up with illusions, yes, yes it is.
• I Noise: You throw your voice and mimic any sound.
• It can totally come from outside or around corners or even from both! 
• II Glamour: The target will appear beautiful.
• I initially thought you would casts this on items, but on second thought people are also a legit target. If the players keep selling shopkeepers magical junk, that's fine! I'm sure those same shop keepers will be complaining to the city guard in short order.

• II Disguise: You look and sound like someone else.
• This one counts as a malicious spell, so you can only copy a person once. 
• III Double: You make a speaking, talking copy of you. It turns into smoke if touched.
• You keep it's memories, you see through it's eyes, and you control it. Really it is the wrong pronoun: it's more like there's two of you for a bit. You can pretend to be a twin with this!
• III This is Normal: X targets are considered normal. Strange actions or speech breaks the illusion.
• Discount invisibility, basically. As long as you don't say anything out of normal, everyone assumes you belong here, even if you're a lizard man or wearing 5 swords.

• IV Mirage: You leave an intangible, stationary illusion.
• Unlike Delusion down below, it doesn't move, and it doesn't change. Anyone touching it will just walk right through.
• IV Charm: The target treats you as an old friend.
• Again, you can only have one person charmed at a time, and once you cast it on someone, you can never cast it on them again. Makes up for not having any saves, me thinks.
• V Nightmare: The target's worst fear hunts him. It can't kill him. 3HD, dispelled if killed.
• The spell you cast when you want to make someone's life into a horror movie. The thing chases after them but always leaves an exit. If they're hiding, it will take a while to 'find' them. It's wounds hurt, but don't deal any actual damage.
• V Delusion: You are at the center of a vast illusion. The senses are your canvas.
• Hey, at some level I just give you the all illusions, all the time button.

Curses

Curse have one special rule: the target must know you cursed them. This is usually accomplished by shouting and cussing at them. You can also do it in a letter, which is a nice little range extender. But if the wrong person gets the letter, whoops! Random dude got cursed.

• I Discretion: The target can't communicate about a topic you choose, nor about this curse.
• So no talking, no writing, no pantomime. Drop this on top of another curse to make it extra nasty.
• I Phobia: Target gains a phobia. They scream when they see it and cannot touch it.
• Saying 'Me!' is a pretty dick move.
• II Honesty: Target cannot lie, always speaks their mind now.
• Yes, it's super cheesy. And good for interrogation.

• II Misfortune: Target rolls twice, takes lowest on all rolls. 20's = 1's.
• Distadvavage on everything AND the critical fails instead of critical successes. It's nasty alright.
• III Age: The target turns 9 or 90. STR, DEX, and CON drop to 5.
• It's your choice.
• III Love: Target 1 falls in love with target 2.
• Classical options for target 2 are yourself, a statue, a goat, or their own reflection.

• IV Polymorph:A target w/ HD < X turns into a harmless animal.
• This is a good debuff for any curse you think is too strong: you can't cast it on someone stronger than you.
• IV Violence: X targets take 1d12 damage.
• Change the damage to taste. It should be useful for cussing peasants to death and cherry tapping the villain.
• V Wasting: Target loses 1 max HP every day.
• This one was made to use on stuff stronger than you.
• V Misery: The target can't feel warmth. Food and drink taste like ash. All dreams are nightmares.
• Like that speech Barbossa gives, but without the becoming a skeleton part. Or with, if that's what you're into.

Optional rule: Traditionally, every curse must come with a way to break it, that way being A: probably impossible, and B: if achieved, character growing. Which is waaaaaay more effort than I want to put into cursing someone. If you're into that sort of thing, here's a few quick ideas.

1. Target must gain self confidence and believe in themselves.
2. Target ALSO gets amnesia. If they can learn their name, the curse breaks.
3. Target must perform a genuinely unselfish act.
4. Curse breaks on a week were two Mondays pass.
5. Curse breaks when it is neither day nor night (eclipse).
6. Target must go to the city neither naked nor dressed, neither riding nor by foot.

And since a player can always dispel any curse they cast, they can also set fun conditions like:

1. Apologize for your rudeness.
2. Serve me for a year and a day.
3. Fetch me the scales of a dragon.
4. Give me your first born child.

And of course, true love's kiss breaks anything.

B-B-B-BONUS CURSE: III Loneliness: Everyone forgets the target has ever existed, except for you.

On Kind Sorcerors, or the Crowd Sourced Mage

The modus operandi of the average mage, wizard, or sorcerer is to impose their will upon the cosmos. For reasons inscrutable, a few individuals do this in reverse: they can only impose the will of others upon the cosmos. These poor sods are called kind sorcerers.

Anytime anyone around a kind sorcerer desires something, a spell pops into his head. He doesn't know who desires this, but a clever man can often guess. This includes casual player chat at the table. The DM declares what the desire was and then comes up with a spell that would help accomplish it. She doesn't tell the hapless player what this spell is.

I made this post just so I could use this picture.

Yes, this means the other players can just declare how much they desire healing. And yes, the DM can declare how much the orcs desire you puny humans to die. We have fun here.

A kind sorceress can keep up to her level spells inside his head. If anyone around her desires something, and she's all full up on spells, the new desire replaces the oldest desire. A kind sorceress can cast up to her level spells per day.

HOWEVER: if the kind sorceress first spends an entire round trying to accomplish the desire, she casts it for free: it doesn't count against the total.

It is for this reason that kind sorcerers tend to be highly agreeable people who act like total schizophrenics.

On Weresquids

The common weresquid is a bizarre creature. It may assume the form of either a brightly colored, foot-long squid or a human, with six tentacles in place of hair. 

The weresquid's best imitation of human hair. Curtesy of here.

Weresquid are not humans with a bizarre form of lycanthropy; they are a type of ooze. Their bodies are boneless, with the sole exception of their teeth, which have two canines in the upper set and only one centered canine in the lower. Weresquid can change color at will (though the process takes about fifteen minutes), and prefer vividly vibrant hues.

Seriously, they're walking rainbows.

In human form, the weresquid can squirt ink, which it produces in alarming quantities. This colorful goo is sticky and acidic: wading through means moving at half speed and losing 1 HP per turn. Most weresquid carry some kind of container to store excess ink, and weaponized water guns to shoot it remarkable distances and with great force. Such weapons inflict anywhere from 1d6 to 1d20 damage. Curiously, weresquid are effected as normal by ink of a different color. 

While in squid form, the weresquid is a goopy, flaccid thing, and can pass through bars, grates, and quarter inch holes with ease. On land, it flops around pathetically. The weresquid cannot swim in water: immersion leads to the squid dissolving. It can swim through weresquid ink, if it matches it's current color. In effect, the ooze flattens itself out, rapidly sliding around, even up walls. 

Flop flop!

Curiously, anything a weresquid carries transforms into goo when it turns into a squid. Upon turning into a human, these items reassemble themselves. Even weresquids don't know what's up with that.

A weresquid attempting to disguise itself as a harmless hipster.

If slain, the weresquids explodes violently, strewing ink everywhere. Then it's tiny squid soul will rapidly look for any nearby ink. If it finds it, it will reform itself in three rounds, good as new. This has lead to certain scholars proposing that weresquid are in fact a type of undead, which posses oozes, which in turn can turn into squids and squid people. The counter argument to this theory is that it's bloody stupid. What next: they come from the distant future? They like dance parties and high fashion? Best to ignore the bloody things; they're an abomination to logic as it is.

The weresquid in it's natural environment: the rave.

Currency In Ramhknal

Any ship that enters or leaves Ramhknal is thoroughly searched by the Accounting Corps. After taxes are assessed and paid, contraband is seized. For the last twenty years this category has included silver: any and all silver found is forcefully exchanged for the equivalent sum in gold. Avoiding this process is punished by fines, imprisonment or enslavement, depending upon the severity of the case.

This law only affects incoming silver; silver already inside the city is exempt.

The searches for land traffic is considerably more lax. Since Ramhknal is a port city, only connected to a series of dying, jungle overgrown suburbs, there is very little traffic. The few rural farmers who come into the city proper couldn't smuggle much silver in, even if they had it. So they're questioned, their saddle bags are glanced in, and then they're allowed to pass.

Since the state confiscates all incoming silver, this rare metal is worth ten times more then gold. Which is 100 times what it's worth outside, if you're using standard D&D currency. As you would expect, the players could make an absolute killing smuggling silver into the city.

Oh Ramhknal! Oh backwards city! Only in Ramhknal is silver is worth more then gold. 

As for the silver, everyone knows that the Accounting Corps report to the city's ruler, the illustrious Captan. No one knows what the Captan is hoarding all this silver for. I don't know what the Captan is hoarding all this silver for. If you need an answer, feel free to roll a d10.

1. He is building a scale replica of his kingdom, the islands in gold and the sea done all in silver. 
2. He is forging it into swords. Thousands of swords.
3. He is making the largest mirror the world has ever seen. When completed, it will open a portal to the moon.
4. He eats it. He is trying to become an angel. He is slowly succeeding.
5. He has promised it to an army of star vampires. He is running out of time.
6. He pumps it into a buried god. He harnesses it's waste, without realizing it will soon awaken.
7. He sleeps on it at night. He's half dragon, on his mother's side.
8. He is trying to break his curse. He's hoping the bit about silver wasn't a metaphor.
9. He casts it into the sea, to his dead Captaness. By now she must be the richest demon in all of hell.
10. He is making a liquid silver golem. It's big. We're talking kaiju big.

For Your Next Adventure

The party enters the tavern. In the back sits a man with a sword and a man with a crown. Upon closer examination, he appears to be the king's brother. Suddenly, he rises and yells "Everyone! I'm going to kill my brother! Drinks are on me!"

Then just play this. Or if you're really hardcore, sing it.

Gods I loved Galavant

Do the players follow? Do they start singing along? Do they sneak off and tell the king? Do they graciously accept the booze and look forward to the regime change/ execution tomorrow?

Choose Your Own XP Gain

So Last Gasp write this:

"I’ve also got this idea for gaining levels (because gold for xp has never tasted right to me) where to level up you need to tell AMAZING BUT TRUE STORIES about your exploits in major cities or places where you can make a name for yourself (number of stories equal to the level you’re trying to reach).

Which is a nice built-in incentive to seek out completely bizarre shit apart from just “there might be gold there”, as well as more social interaction/climbing."

Which pretty much perfectly compliments this post by Jeff.  And I get to thinking, damn, that's pretty cool. Myself, I often hand out XP for awesomeness: do something totally badass and I immediately give you anywhere from 50 to 500 XP. This led to one time the entire table agreeing to award ME 100 XP, and afterwards keeping track of the GM's level became something of an in joke.

So XP: it can be reward for just about anything! And it's funny when the players have different and occasionally conflicting goals. So why not codify it?

Why I'm in here in the first place.

At the beginning of a session, you may declare (or change) your character's ULTIMATE GOAL. You can have up to three of these. Every one starts with GET RICH.

• Get Rich: XP for GP.
• Live in Luxury: XP for GP spent.
• Fame: 500 XP for every AMAZING BUT TRUE story you tell at the bar.
• Violence: XP for killing dudes. 50 per HD.
• NOT IN THE FACE: When you defeat a foe, half XP if you got hurt, double if not.
• Magic: Spell level * 100 XP for every spell you learn.
• Knowledge: 100 XP for every book you get. 100 XP for putting it into a library.
• GET SWOLE: 500 XP per STR or CON point.
• Coast Guard: 100 XP per HD for every person rescued.
• Spread The Faith: 50 XP for every convert. 1000 XP for every temple constructed.
• Rat Bastard: Double XP for gold you don't share with the party.
• Meddling Do-Gooder: 1000 XP for every evil scheme foiled. 1000 XP for every villain captured and turned in to the authorities.
• It Belongs In A Museum!: 100 XP for every rescued artifact. 100 XP for getting it to a museum.
• That's CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow: 100 XP for each crew member you recruit. 10 XP a day while you have a ship. 1000 for getting a bigger ship.

Adjust the numbers to taste. I'm sure you can think of many more.

Grease Monkey Distilled

Richard posted the grease monkey here. And THAT'S based off this. I copy pasted the bits I liked and shortened the rest. All I wrote was the amusing flaws table.

Grease Monkey

Grease monkeys have no religion, no special faith in technology and no idea why they can put machines together and they work, where other people try and get garage art. They’re just handy with a spanner.

Treat as Thief. Instead of the usual raft of thief skills, grease monkeys get the following:

Class Abilities

Kinda Smart: You can figure out what a device does with an INT check. If you fail, you get it after a night's study.

Quick Fix: You can fix anything obviously broken with another INT check. Same for deactivating things. Warning: fail by 5 and it either breaks for good or terribly backfires.

Gadgets: It can be assumed that the Engineer is constantly inventing, creating and cannibalizing any number of minor devices. You can use a gadget to turn any stat check into an INT check: just describe how it works. Warning: same fail by 5 thing as above.

Any gadget that WORKS can be named your favorite gadget. You only get one, but you get Advantage while using it. You can take it apart overnight, allowing a new gadget to become your favorite.

Long Fix: Broken machines are basically monsters you fight with a wrench. Hey, Fighters work up to killing dragons, Grease Monkeys work up to fixing F22's. They have AC and HP, and each 'attack' takes 4 hours. So roll to hit, add your level, and hopefully deal 1d4 'damage' with your wrench. Better tools do more, and you'll often need specialized parts.

Inventions: Every level, you can invent one utterly new thing. Describe what you're trying to achieve, and the GM will decide what 'spell level' it would have. If you could cast that shit as a wizard, you can make it as a grease monkey. Give it one amusing flaw, get the parts, and file a patent.

Amusing Flaws

1. Solar Powered. Doesn't work in shade, inside, or at night. Can save up exactly one shot.
2. Breaks often. After every use 1 in 8 chance it needs 4 hours of maintenance.
3. Weird Fuel. Cheap but smelly. Standard supply rules: roll a d12, on a 1 it lowers a die to d10, so on until d4 where it just runs out. Each die takes up an inventory space.
4. Slow. Takes 1d4 turns to turn on.
5. Lags. Takes 1d6 turns to stop.
6. Volatile. If it ever takes 6 points of damage, it explodes. 3d8 to everyone within 10 feet.
7. What? 1 in 4 chance it's set in reverse. You didn't even BUILD a reverse setting!
8. Gets hot. You can only use it once every second round, unless you want to take 1d6 burning hands damage.
9. REALLY LOUD. Roll for wandering monsters.
10. Enormous. Takes up your backpack slot.
11. Needs your blood. 1d8 will be enough for the day.
12. It's also a switchblade! Blade and actual function triggered randomly.

Chariots Of Rubbish Index

1. Introduction
2. Frames
3. Drives
4. Extras
5. Weapons
6. Racers
7. Mooks
8. Rules Of Play
9. Map Making
10. GET REKT
11. Print Outs, Credits, and Music

Chariots of Rubbish Part 11: Print Outs, Credits, Music

ON PRINT OUTS

Vehicle Sheet. The big empty space in the middle is for drawing your ride, should you be so inclined.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B5d7nOaW4CytQ1lXQ215di1HZ2M/view?usp=sharing

Actions Reference Sheet. Good idea to put one of these in the center, or print them on the back of the character sheets.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B5d7nOaW4CytaFh1dEE1Tm1hY0k/view?usp=sharing

GET REKT Table. Again, print one for the whole table.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B5d7nOaW4CytdHVuelVvNEFYcXc/view?usp=sharing

ON CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE

When aping your betters it only polite to acknowledge them. Without the following blogposts Chariots Of Rubbish would not have been possible.

How the GET REKT table works.

http://dndwithpornstars.blogspot.com/2010/08/easy-all-purpose-mechanic.html

What the GET REKT table has. Seriously I ripped off at least half of it.

http://dndwithpornstars.blogspot.com/2015/05/maximum-road-5eatomic-highway-postapoc.html

The wonderful hallucination rules. Heck, his are all purpose and better.

http://goblinpunch.blogspot.com/2014/05/optional-rule-hallucinations.html

The whole Wacky Races Idea. I cribbed a crap-ton of rules.

https://lurkerablog.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/carcosa-wacky-races-all-the-rules-you-need-to-know/

And lastly, the blog post that started it all, since while re-reading it I thought, "Hey, I should make that a d30 table!"

https://lurkerablog.wordpress.com/2012/04/11/carcosa-wacky-races-signup/

Thank you all very much gentlemen! I wish the best to you and yours.

APPENDIX N: INSPIRATIONAL AND EDUCATIONAL WATCHING

If the bloggers above have helped forge this game's rules, the following films have filled its soul. All have a fond place in my heart.

• Redline
• Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior
• Mad Max 3: Beyond Thunderdome
• Mad Max: Fury Road
• Wacky Races
• Mario Cart 64 (Okay so this isn't a film.)
• Junkyard Wars
• Tailenders

ON KICKING TUNES

I like playing music while I game. So here's three hours of racing music to Youtube. Season to taste.

Title	Artist
Aerodynamic	Daftpunk
Against The Tide	Celldweller
Animus Vox	Glitch Mob
Atomic Bonsai	Joren de Bruin, Toby Fox
Ball Of Ballos	Tackle
Brothers In Arms	Tom Holkenborg
Can't Stop	Red Hot Chilli Peppers
Cave Johnson (Reconstructing Science Remix)	Sfork
Chapter Doof	Tom Holkenborg
Count Latchula	Latch Brothers
Danger Zone	Kenny Logins
Daymanstep	Joman
Dies Irae	Verdi
Drive It Like You Stole It	Glitch Mob
Duel Of The Fates	John Williams
Escape	Tom Holkenborg
Face To Face	Tom Mauritzon
Holdin' On	Skrillex
Invaders Must Die	The Prodigy
Katamari On The Rocks	Yu Miyake
Life Like Thunder	Eiffel 65
Never Die	DJ Dain
Oh La La!	Wise Guys
On Her Majesty's Secret Service	Propellerheads
Otherworld	Nobuo Uematsu
Part 7	EatMe
Probability 0 Soundtrack	JMickle
Super Smash Brothers Melee Opening	New Japan Philharmonic Orchestra
Rapture	Dirty Stack
Ride Of The Valkyries	Wagner
Rock Your Body Rock	Ferry Corsten
Spikey Cars	Tom Holkenborg
Superheroes	Daftpunk
Tank! (The Cowboy Bebop Intro)	Seatbelts
Time Forward!	Sviridov
Tor	Chris Geehan & Dan Byrne-McCullough
Traxilo	EatMe
Turn Down For What	DJ Snake
Whoever Brings The Night	Nightwish
Yellow Line	James Shimoji