On Kind Sorcerors, or the Crowd Sourced Mage

The modus operandi of the average mage, wizard, or sorcerer is to impose their will upon the cosmos. For reasons inscrutable, a few individuals do this in reverse: they can only impose the will of others upon the cosmos. These poor sods are called kind sorcerers.

Anytime anyone around a kind sorcerer desires something, a spell pops into his head. He doesn't know who desires this, but a clever man can often guess. This includes casual player chat at the table. The DM declares what the desire was and then comes up with a spell that would help accomplish it. She doesn't tell the hapless player what this spell is.

I made this post just so I could use this picture.

Yes, this means the other players can just declare how much they desire healing. And yes, the DM can declare how much the orcs desire you puny humans to die. We have fun here.

A kind sorceress can keep up to her level spells inside his head. If anyone around her desires something, and she's all full up on spells, the new desire replaces the oldest desire. A kind sorceress can cast up to her level spells per day.

HOWEVER: if the kind sorceress first spends an entire round trying to accomplish the desire, she casts it for free: it doesn't count against the total.

It is for this reason that kind sorcerers tend to be highly agreeable people who act like total schizophrenics.

On Weresquids

The common weresquid is a bizarre creature. It may assume the form of either a brightly colored, foot-long squid or a human, with six tentacles in place of hair. 

The weresquid's best imitation of human hair. Curtesy of here.

Weresquid are not humans with a bizarre form of lycanthropy; they are a type of ooze. Their bodies are boneless, with the sole exception of their teeth, which have two canines in the upper set and only one centered canine in the lower. Weresquid can change color at will (though the process takes about fifteen minutes), and prefer vividly vibrant hues.

Seriously, they're walking rainbows.

In human form, the weresquid can squirt ink, which it produces in alarming quantities. This colorful goo is sticky and acidic: wading through means moving at half speed and losing 1 HP per turn. Most weresquid carry some kind of container to store excess ink, and weaponized water guns to shoot it remarkable distances and with great force. Such weapons inflict anywhere from 1d6 to 1d20 damage. Curiously, weresquid are effected as normal by ink of a different color. 

While in squid form, the weresquid is a goopy, flaccid thing, and can pass through bars, grates, and quarter inch holes with ease. On land, it flops around pathetically. The weresquid cannot swim in water: immersion leads to the squid dissolving. It can swim through weresquid ink, if it matches it's current color. In effect, the ooze flattens itself out, rapidly sliding around, even up walls. 

Flop flop!

Curiously, anything a weresquid carries transforms into goo when it turns into a squid. Upon turning into a human, these items reassemble themselves. Even weresquids don't know what's up with that.

A weresquid attempting to disguise itself as a harmless hipster.

If slain, the weresquids explodes violently, strewing ink everywhere. Then it's tiny squid soul will rapidly look for any nearby ink. If it finds it, it will reform itself in three rounds, good as new. This has lead to certain scholars proposing that weresquid are in fact a type of undead, which posses oozes, which in turn can turn into squids and squid people. The counter argument to this theory is that it's bloody stupid. What next: they come from the distant future? They like dance parties and high fashion? Best to ignore the bloody things; they're an abomination to logic as it is.

The weresquid in it's natural environment: the rave.

Currency In Ramhknal

Any ship that enters or leaves Ramhknal is thoroughly searched by the Accounting Corps. After taxes are assessed and paid, contraband is seized. For the last twenty years this category has included silver: any and all silver found is forcefully exchanged for the equivalent sum in gold. Avoiding this process is punished by fines, imprisonment or enslavement, depending upon the severity of the case.

This law only affects incoming silver; silver already inside the city is exempt.

The searches for land traffic is considerably more lax. Since Ramhknal is a port city, only connected to a series of dying, jungle overgrown suburbs, there is very little traffic. The few rural farmers who come into the city proper couldn't smuggle much silver in, even if they had it. So they're questioned, their saddle bags are glanced in, and then they're allowed to pass.

Since the state confiscates all incoming silver, this rare metal is worth ten times more then gold. Which is 100 times what it's worth outside, if you're using standard D&D currency. As you would expect, the players could make an absolute killing smuggling silver into the city.

Oh Ramhknal! Oh backwards city! Only in Ramhknal is silver is worth more then gold. 

As for the silver, everyone knows that the Accounting Corps report to the city's ruler, the illustrious Captan. No one knows what the Captan is hoarding all this silver for. I don't know what the Captan is hoarding all this silver for. If you need an answer, feel free to roll a d10.

1. He is building a scale replica of his kingdom, the islands in gold and the sea done all in silver. 
2. He is forging it into swords. Thousands of swords.
3. He is making the largest mirror the world has ever seen. When completed, it will open a portal to the moon.
4. He eats it. He is trying to become an angel. He is slowly succeeding.
5. He has promised it to an army of star vampires. He is running out of time.
6. He pumps it into a buried god. He harnesses it's waste, without realizing it will soon awaken.
7. He sleeps on it at night. He's half dragon, on his mother's side.
8. He is trying to break his curse. He's hoping the bit about silver wasn't a metaphor.
9. He casts it into the sea, to his dead Captaness. By now she must be the richest demon in all of hell.
10. He is making a liquid silver golem. It's big. We're talking kaiju big.

For Your Next Adventure

The party enters the tavern. In the back sits a man with a sword and a man with a crown. Upon closer examination, he appears to be the king's brother. Suddenly, he rises and yells "Everyone! I'm going to kill my brother! Drinks are on me!"

Then just play this. Or if you're really hardcore, sing it.

Gods I loved Galavant

Do the players follow? Do they start singing along? Do they sneak off and tell the king? Do they graciously accept the booze and look forward to the regime change/ execution tomorrow?

Choose Your Own XP Gain

So Last Gasp write this:

"I’ve also got this idea for gaining levels (because gold for xp has never tasted right to me) where to level up you need to tell AMAZING BUT TRUE STORIES about your exploits in major cities or places where you can make a name for yourself (number of stories equal to the level you’re trying to reach).

Which is a nice built-in incentive to seek out completely bizarre shit apart from just “there might be gold there”, as well as more social interaction/climbing."

Which pretty much perfectly compliments this post by Jeff.  And I get to thinking, damn, that's pretty cool. Myself, I often hand out XP for awesomeness: do something totally badass and I immediately give you anywhere from 50 to 500 XP. This led to one time the entire table agreeing to award ME 100 XP, and afterwards keeping track of the GM's level became something of an in joke.

So XP: it can be reward for just about anything! And it's funny when the players have different and occasionally conflicting goals. So why not codify it?

Why I'm in here in the first place.

At the beginning of a session, you may declare (or change) your character's ULTIMATE GOAL. You can have up to three of these. Every one starts with GET RICH.

• Get Rich: XP for GP.
• Live in Luxury: XP for GP spent.
• Fame: 500 XP for every AMAZING BUT TRUE story you tell at the bar.
• Violence: XP for killing dudes. 50 per HD.
• NOT IN THE FACE: When you defeat a foe, half XP if you got hurt, double if not.
• Magic: Spell level * 100 XP for every spell you learn.
• Knowledge: 100 XP for every book you get. 100 XP for putting it into a library.
• GET SWOLE: 500 XP per STR or CON point.
• Coast Guard: 100 XP per HD for every person rescued.
• Spread The Faith: 50 XP for every convert. 1000 XP for every temple constructed.
• Rat Bastard: Double XP for gold you don't share with the party.
• Meddling Do-Gooder: 1000 XP for every evil scheme foiled. 1000 XP for every villain captured and turned in to the authorities.
• It Belongs In A Museum!: 100 XP for every rescued artifact. 100 XP for getting it to a museum.
• That's CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow: 100 XP for each crew member you recruit. 10 XP a day while you have a ship. 1000 for getting a bigger ship.

Adjust the numbers to taste. I'm sure you can think of many more.

Grease Monkey Distilled

Richard posted the grease monkey here. And THAT'S based off this. I copy pasted the bits I liked and shortened the rest. All I wrote was the amusing flaws table.

Grease Monkey

Grease monkeys have no religion, no special faith in technology and no idea why they can put machines together and they work, where other people try and get garage art. They’re just handy with a spanner.

Treat as Thief. Instead of the usual raft of thief skills, grease monkeys get the following:

Class Abilities

Kinda Smart: You can figure out what a device does with an INT check. If you fail, you get it after a night's study.

Quick Fix: You can fix anything obviously broken with another INT check. Same for deactivating things. Warning: fail by 5 and it either breaks for good or terribly backfires.

Gadgets: It can be assumed that the Engineer is constantly inventing, creating and cannibalizing any number of minor devices. You can use a gadget to turn any stat check into an INT check: just describe how it works. Warning: same fail by 5 thing as above.

Any gadget that WORKS can be named your favorite gadget. You only get one, but you get Advantage while using it. You can take it apart overnight, allowing a new gadget to become your favorite.

Long Fix: Broken machines are basically monsters you fight with a wrench. Hey, Fighters work up to killing dragons, Grease Monkeys work up to fixing F22's. They have AC and HP, and each 'attack' takes 4 hours. So roll to hit, add your level, and hopefully deal 1d4 'damage' with your wrench. Better tools do more, and you'll often need specialized parts.

Inventions: Every level, you can invent one utterly new thing. Describe what you're trying to achieve, and the GM will decide what 'spell level' it would have. If you could cast that shit as a wizard, you can make it as a grease monkey. Give it one amusing flaw, get the parts, and file a patent.

Amusing Flaws

1. Solar Powered. Doesn't work in shade, inside, or at night. Can save up exactly one shot.
2. Breaks often. After every use 1 in 8 chance it needs 4 hours of maintenance.
3. Weird Fuel. Cheap but smelly. Standard supply rules: roll a d12, on a 1 it lowers a die to d10, so on until d4 where it just runs out. Each die takes up an inventory space.
4. Slow. Takes 1d4 turns to turn on.
5. Lags. Takes 1d6 turns to stop.
6. Volatile. If it ever takes 6 points of damage, it explodes. 3d8 to everyone within 10 feet.
7. What? 1 in 4 chance it's set in reverse. You didn't even BUILD a reverse setting!
8. Gets hot. You can only use it once every second round, unless you want to take 1d6 burning hands damage.
9. REALLY LOUD. Roll for wandering monsters.
10. Enormous. Takes up your backpack slot.
11. Needs your blood. 1d8 will be enough for the day.
12. It's also a switchblade! Blade and actual function triggered randomly.

Chariots Of Rubbish Index

1. Introduction
2. Frames
3. Drives
4. Extras
5. Weapons
6. Racers
7. Mooks
8. Rules Of Play
9. Map Making
10. GET REKT
11. Print Outs, Credits, and Music

Chariots of Rubbish Part 11: Print Outs, Credits, Music

ON PRINT OUTS

Vehicle Sheet. The big empty space in the middle is for drawing your ride, should you be so inclined.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B5d7nOaW4CytQ1lXQ215di1HZ2M/view?usp=sharing

Actions Reference Sheet. Good idea to put one of these in the center, or print them on the back of the character sheets.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B5d7nOaW4CytaFh1dEE1Tm1hY0k/view?usp=sharing

GET REKT Table. Again, print one for the whole table.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B5d7nOaW4CytdHVuelVvNEFYcXc/view?usp=sharing

ON CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE

When aping your betters it only polite to acknowledge them. Without the following blogposts Chariots Of Rubbish would not have been possible.

How the GET REKT table works.

http://dndwithpornstars.blogspot.com/2010/08/easy-all-purpose-mechanic.html

What the GET REKT table has. Seriously I ripped off at least half of it.

http://dndwithpornstars.blogspot.com/2015/05/maximum-road-5eatomic-highway-postapoc.html

The wonderful hallucination rules. Heck, his are all purpose and better.

http://goblinpunch.blogspot.com/2014/05/optional-rule-hallucinations.html

The whole Wacky Races Idea. I cribbed a crap-ton of rules.

https://lurkerablog.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/carcosa-wacky-races-all-the-rules-you-need-to-know/

And lastly, the blog post that started it all, since while re-reading it I thought, "Hey, I should make that a d30 table!"

https://lurkerablog.wordpress.com/2012/04/11/carcosa-wacky-races-signup/

Thank you all very much gentlemen! I wish the best to you and yours.

APPENDIX N: INSPIRATIONAL AND EDUCATIONAL WATCHING

If the bloggers above have helped forge this game's rules, the following films have filled its soul. All have a fond place in my heart.

• Redline
• Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior
• Mad Max 3: Beyond Thunderdome
• Mad Max: Fury Road
• Wacky Races
• Mario Cart 64 (Okay so this isn't a film.)
• Junkyard Wars
• Tailenders

ON KICKING TUNES

I like playing music while I game. So here's three hours of racing music to Youtube. Season to taste.

Title	Artist
Aerodynamic	Daftpunk
Against The Tide	Celldweller
Animus Vox	Glitch Mob
Atomic Bonsai	Joren de Bruin, Toby Fox
Ball Of Ballos	Tackle
Brothers In Arms	Tom Holkenborg
Can't Stop	Red Hot Chilli Peppers
Cave Johnson (Reconstructing Science Remix)	Sfork
Chapter Doof	Tom Holkenborg
Count Latchula	Latch Brothers
Danger Zone	Kenny Logins
Daymanstep	Joman
Dies Irae	Verdi
Drive It Like You Stole It	Glitch Mob
Duel Of The Fates	John Williams
Escape	Tom Holkenborg
Face To Face	Tom Mauritzon
Holdin' On	Skrillex
Invaders Must Die	The Prodigy
Katamari On The Rocks	Yu Miyake
Life Like Thunder	Eiffel 65
Never Die	DJ Dain
Oh La La!	Wise Guys
On Her Majesty's Secret Service	Propellerheads
Otherworld	Nobuo Uematsu
Part 7	EatMe
Probability 0 Soundtrack	JMickle
Super Smash Brothers Melee Opening	New Japan Philharmonic Orchestra
Rapture	Dirty Stack
Ride Of The Valkyries	Wagner
Rock Your Body Rock	Ferry Corsten
Spikey Cars	Tom Holkenborg
Superheroes	Daftpunk
Tank! (The Cowboy Bebop Intro)	Seatbelts
Time Forward!	Sviridov
Tor	Chris Geehan & Dan Byrne-McCullough
Traxilo	EatMe
Turn Down For What	DJ Snake
Whoever Brings The Night	Nightwish
Yellow Line	James Shimoji

Chariots of Rubbish Part 10: GET REKT

#	Result
1	THERE GOES YOUR WEAPON. Torn clean off.
2	Lost a headlight.
3	Steering disconnected. Auto fail CO checks until it's replaced or rigged.
4	Tire/leg/skid/something blows out. You can keep driving with Disadvantage to AC, or you can skip the Movement Phase and repair it.
5	Lose your windshield.
6	Gas pedal stuck down.
7	Something is covering the windshield. CO 0 until you get it off.
8	Fender Dragging.
9	The front just got SMASHED. -2 RA.
10	You didn't know you had a radio! It comes on spontaneously and it's your favorite song. The GM has to put it on.
11	Pop a side wheelie for a mile and come down smooth. 3/6 you manage to convince everyone in the vehicle it was on purpose.
12	Horrible noise, leaking transmission fluid. Vehicle keeps working for 2d4 rounds.
13	Sweet bippity what is wrong with the wheel. -2 CO.
14	Your weapon goes off! Shoot yourself!
15	Did the entire roof just come off? -2 ST.
16	Random crew just got under the rig. Yeetch! They gotta SURVIVE.
17	Hit the closest vehicle. Woah you're fine but they GET REKT (10)!
18	Huge dent in the body work.
19	Skid, sideways triple pinwheel through the air. Roll CO at disadvantage to land it: make it and you're the fucking shit, the crowd loves you, fail and you're upside down and -1 ST.
20	Your transmission just got fucked. -2 AC.
21	Hole in brake line. Not a problem until you try to stop.
22	RATTLE RATTLE RATTLE. Everyone's holding on for dear life, no one can do anything this round.
23	Your Extra just got ripped off. Sorry man!
24	Flip Over Once: You're upside-down and you GET REKT again. Skip your Movement Phase.
25	Lost your muffler.
26	Bloody hell your weapon is broken.  Will take a REPAIR roll to fix.
27	Sudden stop for one round, skip your Movement Phase. Dunno what that was--car's fine the next round.
28	Spin 180 degrees, skip the Position Movement Phase, now you're facing backwards.
29	Battery damaged. Not a problem until you try to start again.
30	Bump, spin 360. You're fine but skip your Movement Phase.
31	Something explodes, ROCKETING you foreword. Roll AC twice more, but -1 ST.
32	K-chunk! Something's hitting the wheel and making a scary noise. You can stop and fix it, no roll needed. Or keep driving: each round you have 1/6 chance to GET REKT (5 + Rounds since this happened).
33	Struggling to control the car, Disadvantage on CO checks this round.
34	Slew and slide, you're going full speed but left. Skip your Movement Phase.
35	Skid, spin 180, going full speed in reverse. During the Movement Phase, SUBTRACT that #.
36	Hit the closest vehicle. You both GET REKT. Roll again.
37	Lost a side mirror. Disadvantage to CO checks when you'd want a side mirror.
38	Something just got ripped off your drive. Lose it's AC.
39	Your weapon got smacked. -2 Accuracy.
40	Crash into the nearest immobile object. Everyone rolls SURVIVE. GET REKT (7).
41	Pop a side wheelie and come down hard. Roll again.
42	Hit the closest vehicle. You both need to make a CO (9) or you GET REKT (9) again.
43	Your weapon goes off! Shoot something nearby, - 3 A.
44	Break lights smashed.
45	OH GOD THERE'S FIRE EVERYWHERE. The fire starts a D 5.
46	Engine hiccup. Disadvantage on AC checks this round.
47	AaaaaagahgahgahgahGAHGAHGAH. All shaken up, everyone's at -1 for any action.
48	Air conditioner stuck on.
49	Screeeeeeeeech. Your paint job is ruined.
50	Weird swerve. Everyone has to roll HANG ON.
51	Your car fantastically explodes. Everyone in the Sector GETS REKT (5). Everyone in your car needs to SURVIVE. Amazingly, your car will run again if you REPAIR it twice.
52	You smell smoke. Part of your vehicle is on fire! You’re not sure which part.
53	Catch some sweet air. Alas, gravity is a bitch. Make a ST (10) or GET REKT (5) again.
54	The coolest thing about the bodywork on the car is damaged. Gain advantage to everything next round to anyone seeking vengeance for this this slight.
55	Brake so hard the driver flies out the windshield. Roll SURVIVE. Skip your Movement Phase.
56	Your weapon EXPLODES! Shoot yourself three times, and it's gone now.
57	Hole in radiator, smoke. Engine's overheating. It'll stop in 1d4 rounds unless you cool it.
58	Hit the closest vehicle. And you're stuck! Grappled until someone REPAIRs you apart.
59	Your engine explodes. Driver rolls SURVIVE. Repaired at Disadvantage. Skip your Movement Phase.
60	Flip Over Twice: You're right-side up and you GET REKT (7) again. Skip your Movement Phase.
61	Alternator or Generator wrecked--running on battery power only. Vehicle dies after 1d4 rounds.
62	Air Conditioning stuck off.
63	Slew and slide, you're going full speed but right. Skip your Movement Phase.
64	The gas is leaking. You run out of fuel in 1d6 rounds.
65	You smash into the ground and get stuck in it. Skip the Movement Phase. You need to get it out.
66	Engine on fire, -1 AC , 1d4 rounds until it spreads to the fuel tank.
67	GaDUNK, Crssssh! The interior just got SMASHED. -1 CR. If someone doesn't fit now, mooks jump off first. If no mooks, roll randomly.
68	Hit the closest vehicle. Just a tap.
69	Skiiiiiiid, Whirr, K-chuggg-kk! Everyone rolls HANG ON. -3 AC. Skip your Movement Phase.
70	Go into a crazy spin, everyone has to HANG ON. Next round make a CO (6) or keep spinning.
71	Car explodes, launches into the air, lands upside down. GET REKT (10). Everyone needs to SURVIVE. Car needs to be flipped and REPAIRed before it runs again.
72	You swerve and slam into your horn. Now it won't stop. Disadvantage for all crew rolls next round, then you get used to it.
73	Now you're on your side. Get everyone out and push! Skip your Movement Phase.
74	Lose a door.
75	You full stop. Skip your Movement Phase, everyone rolls SURVIVE.
76	Skid ahead one position, stall. Skip your Movement Phase.
77	Drive train or carburetor damage. Rolls to a dead stop. No Movement Phase until you REPAIR that shit.
78	Interior light broken.
79	Lost both headlights.
80	AHHH IT'S NOT RESPONDING. You are at disadvantage for CO. 1d6 chance each turn this stops.
81	Dash lighter malfunctions. Small fire in front seat.
82	Flip Over Once: Upside down. Roll survive for everyone. skip your Movement Phase.
83	Lose one of your turn signals.
84	Skid, spin 180, going full speed BACKWARDS.
85	Weapon damage, -2 D.
86	Due to some combination of geography and speed, you catch some serious air. CO check at disadvantage, but if you make it, you are +1 on all initiative rolls for the rest of the day because you're so buzzed. If you don't then skip your Movement Phase.
87	Chugk. Rattlerattle, Ting! Something just fell out of your vehicle and now it runs better! Who'da thunk. +1 CO.
88	Bump, spin 360, ram closest vehicle.
89	Interior light stuck on.
90	Flip Over Twice: You're right-side up and unhurt? Skip your Movement Phase.
91	Fly 60 feet through the air, come down hard. Everyone rolls SURVIVE. Your vehicle is dead until you REPAIR it.
92	Vrooom, screech, skraaaaaape, wobblewobble. Everyone rolls SURVIVE to not vomit. No other actions.
93	There's gasoline everywhere. The next time you get shot by anything you burst on fire.
94	Shake violently back and forth as you fight for control. Skip Action Phase.
95	Well there went your gun, for sure, and everything around it too. Weapon lost, -1 ST.
96	She's fragile now! Any time you GET REKT, make a ST (5) or GET REKT twice!
97	Something's in the axles. -1 CO until you REPAIR it.
98	Lose both turn signals.
99	Aw crap something is dragging. -1 AC unless you go cut it off with REPAIR.
100	A bump opens a hitherto-hidden compartment containing a random (or GM's choice) item.